Monday, January 07, 2013

Struggle

There are things I knew I would face that are a struggle for people with type 1 diabetes and children.  I had read countless blogs about scenarios that I knew would happen to me.  I also hoped I would be able to handle each thing as it came with ease.  I have come this far, right?

A couple of weeks ago, it completely caught me off guard.  J was out of the house for the evening and I was trying to clean, get B ready for bed, and get all of my work things ready for the next morning.  Feeling pretty great about myself and the status of my tasks I started to run B's bathwater.

Then I felt it.  A low blood sugar that smacked me right in the face.

I put B in a safe place.  A place he could not roll off of, hurt himself, and somewhere he would be satisfied for a while.

I was so dizzy.  Dizzy.  Naseous.  Scared.  Starting to see the world tip.

Terrified.

I grabbed my meter.

33 mg/dl.

B started crying as the number appeared on the screen.  His cry quickly went to a scream.  I couldn't do anything.  Anything!

I sat on the ottoman with a juice box in one hand and a kashi bar in the other.  Tears of sadness streaming.

Mommy can't pick up right now, baby.

He wailed louder.  I cried harder.

Mommy is low, baby.  She is so sorry.  She loves you so much, but she cannot pick you up right now.

Of course, my poor baby bear did not understand why he could see mommy and and mommy was not helping him.

As the world shifted back to normal and I held my dear baby close.  I was so thankful.  Thankful that I felt the blood sugar before I put him in the bathtub.  So grateful we avoided something that could have been horrific.

That night, as I stood in the shower letting the day go, I cried again.  I want to be the best mom I can be.  I want to give B a normal life.  A life without fingersticks, pump site changes, and low blood sugars.  No seizures.  No mommy cannot hold you.  No hurt.

A normal life.

Sadly, this will be his normal, but that will be okay.

This time, I am okay.

12 comments:

LRM said...

I don't know how long you've have juvenile onset diabetes (type 1) but I've been one for over 47 years. Your children will survive. Yes it is scary for both you and your children when you have a low. But at least now there are meters and you realized you were low. There were times when I couldn't tell I was low until I began to sweat. My children are both in their upper 20's so they survived having a diabetic mother. Neither of them are a diabetic. They are both healthy. Both of them learned to tell me to check my sugar level because of me "acting funny". So don't worry, you're children will be okay, as will you. I don't have any complications and I'm still using N & R insulin with a syringe.

Nikki LeForce DeFalco said...

Hi LRM! For a while, but this is my first baby. So, a whole new world to me.

Kerri. said...

Been there. It hurts, even though you know it will be okay. (( hugs )) to you, Nikki.

Nikki LeForce DeFalco said...

Thank you, Kerri! Reminded me of your "put your oxygen mask on" post you did a couple of years ago.

Colleen said...

You did everything right, in spite of your low. I'm impressed.
And yes, your baby will be okay, because you know what to do and when to do it.
Hugs...

Nikki LeForce DeFalco said...

Thank you, Colleen!

Anonymous said...

I can't stop crying.....you are amazing. I love and admire you so much. Baby B is lucky to have you as a mom.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Ugh. I'm sorry, Nikki. That's a rough thing to go through.

Nikki LeForce DeFalco said...

Thank you, Scott!

Amy Ross said...

Years ago, I read a book that gave me my "golden rule" of being a parent with diabetes... When we put our health {highs, lows, fingersticks, bolusing} first, we are REALLY putting our kiddos first. Remember that. It has gotten me through the roughest part of learning to be a mom with diabetes. On days where I was fighting lows, nursing a baby and shoving fruit snacks down my throat with my free hand, I'd just have to keep repeating that over and over. Now I don't really feel any different form any other mom, but those early years were so tough.

Nikki LeForce DeFalco said...

Thank you, Amy! Do you recall that book title?

Amy Ross said...

Yep! It's Kassie's book When You're a Parent With Diabetes. Back when our little group used to be a forum, she was a part of it. I really struggled when the girls were little and the book helped a lot.