Thursday, December 13, 2012

All my heart -



My dearest baby b,

Mommy has taken so long to update her blog because you, sir, are a lot of work!  I waited so long for you to be here.  I tried SO hard for you to have a perfect little life.  It paid off.  You are perfect!  PERFECT.

On July 23rd, we left our home at 4:30 am to head to the hospital for your scheduled birth. We checked in (on the wrong floor - frazzled!) and proceeded to fill out mountains of paperwork.  Mommy had no idea she was actually in labor when we got there.  Contractions off the charts!  By 6:45, I was wheeled to the OR with the best team possible to welcome you, sweet baby, into the world.

Little did we know, you had decided to take up a permanent residence in my rib cage.  With the help of a couple of nurses and one doctor and one resident, you made your appearance.  You were the most beautiful sight to see.  With a blood sugar of 65 mg/dl!  We couldn't ask for more, baby bear.

Our days have been nothing short of wonderful from then on.  You are a strong boy.  Starting at nine pounds,  you are now above average in strength, height, and weight.  You are mommy's little man.  Your personality is absolutely a perfect mix of mommy and daddy.  We are setting our goal at raising the most sarcastic little baby ever.

Mommy is now back at work, but takes a baby b break often to stare at your pictures and smile.  I smile because I never knew how much I could love you.  My eyes fill with tears as I think about how I wasn't sure I would ever have you and now you are here and I do not want to let you go.  Daddy said he really feels sorry for you as you grow older because your mommy is obsessed.

As we are nearing five months old, I cherish every day I spend with you.  I am learning to now care for my type 1 diabetes and you.  Sometimes it gets a little hard.  Sometimes diabetes takes a distant back seat.  However, I will keep up the hard work so that I can live a long life with you by my side.

With all of the love in my heart,

Mommy


Minutes Old

Mommy's Little Man


Sarcastic Baby Bear

Monday, June 11, 2012

I don't know what to say...



Dear friend,

My dearest Georganna, many call you G, I call you George.  It was our thing.

I didn't want to write this right now, or ever for that matter, but I have to.  People have to know.

You are no longer with us and that breaks my heart.  Type 1 diabetes is a terrible disease.  I know, we share that.  The day they put me in the hospital, two years after your own diagnosis, you were one of the first ones to visit me in ICU.


Welcome to the club, you said.  I thought, great club to be a part of...

Over the next few months you helped to answer my questions, helped to make me not feel so alone.  Shared the diet coke at all our sorority functions.  Laughed with me, cried with me.  We were in a club.  A club that people didn't understand and they still don't.  We would tell them, we can have cookies, we can have sugar, don't you know sugar is in everything??  We got it, they didn't.  Still don't.  We could eat just like them, we just have to take our insulin, just like their pancreas is giving them theirs.  We didn't get type 1 diabetes from being overweight, or eating too much sugar, or whatever other reason you heard on the Wilford Brimley commercial about type 2 diabetes!  The things that were different were the complications, most of which we had no control over.  Living with an autoimmune disease is hard on your body.  That is just reality.

T1D is scary.  It is unpredictable.  It is unfair.  It took you away from us, way before your time.  I hate it.

HATE IT.

I have known many people who have lost their lives to this disease, but you, you were different.  You were my close friend.  Someone I had known for over 10 years.  You were my reality, not a stupid statistic.

I am so scared, George.  I wish I could tell you that in person.  I wish we could have a "club" meeting.  I wish we could reassure each other that we are different.  We are not the statistic.

But, we are.

And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

When you got pregnant with J, you told me, see now you can do it...and I am.  He will never get to meet you and see your smiling face and that makes me more sad.

I don't want to do this.  I want to kick and scream.  Scream words that aren't appropriate.  I want to cry.  More than I already have. I want to stop talking about it because I am sure I am driving Joey nuts (which I know you love).  I just can't.  People have to know.  This disease sucks.  So. Damn. Much.  It is so hard.

Instead, I am going to remember the good things...

Singing and dancing to a stupid 80s song at Springfest as freshmen.  The first time I met you at a party in some place I don't even remember.  Standing at the vending machine in the dorms while you told me I should rush AST.  Listing you in my top three picks during Big/Lil.  White Rose (enough said).  Breaking down together when we lost Stephanie.  Living our lives.

I miss you so much, George.  Life is too short and you got robbed.  I am going to keep working on our "cure."

Love and sisterhood,

Nikki



Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Surprise! It's a BOY!

Editor's Note: I have been saving this post for a while.  I couldn't even bring myself to update my blog since I found out, I was afraid I would give it away!!  I am back :) 


Hi baby!

I don’t know where to start.  I spent so much of my life unsure if this was the path I wanted to take, but the second I decided I didn’t want anything else, I was hooked.  You became not just a thought, but a hopeful reality.

This journey has been interesting.  I spent over a year making sure my body was ready for you.  Mommy wanted to make sure your temporary home was perfect.  This meant obsessive blood sugar checks, wearing a continuous glucose monitor 24/7, and anal carb counting, but I did it!  I did it for you – and maybe a little for daddy because he wants me to stick around for a while.  When I got my endocrinologists approval back in May, it still wasn’t real, until November.

The day I found out you were with me daddy was out of town.  I had a tiny suspicion, but had been wrong before, so I didn’t get my hopes up.  But, there you were.  Since, mommy is an over thinker, she used a digital test.  There was no problem deciphering the results.

Pregnant.

You were there, baby.  It was unmistakable.

I couldn’t wait to share the news.  Your fur sisters got to hear it first.  “I’m pregnant!” I said to them.  “I am really pregnant!”  Of course, K and C didn’t understand just yet, but they will when you arrive, in fact K keeps sniffing my belly like she knows something is in there.  I couldn’t wait to tell your daddy.  There was no surprise reveal for him.  I called him and said, “It worked.  I am pregnant” and do you know what your daddy said?  He said, “I’m the man.”  Yep, your daddy said that.  Your childhood is going to be very interesting, baby.

Every day since then I have continued to prepare my body for you.  My A1c is sitting in the 5’s right now.  I am going to appointment after appointment to ensure that you, my baby, will have everything you have every wanted and needed.  Some days are harder than others.  A surprise spike in my blood sugar makes me nervous I am hurting you.  Morning sickness was no fun.  It takes a lot of energy to have diabetes and a baby.  I know it will all be worth it.    

I love you so much and I haven’t even met you.  I cannot wait to tell you to your sweet face, my baby boy.  See you in July!

Love,

Mommy