Thursday, August 18, 2011

Melancholy


My posts have been melancholy lately. I apologize for that.

The great thing about blogging about life with diabetes is that you can express your feelings and emotions about this disease as you are feeling them. You can update the world with a real-time response of your life. This can be good, or bad. Most of the time it is cathartic to release – other times I look back and think, wow, I am incredibly cynical or, I don't even feel the same now.

A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my best friend in the entire world, Eric. I told him I was sad and that I couldn't snap out of it. His first reaction was, is it your health? Is something going on with your diabetes?

In all actuality, it had nothing to do with diabetes. At all.

And then he said it...

I am always worried you are going to die before me and I don't like that.

I think my heart stopped beating when he said that.

I hope that didn't offend you, he said.

No...actually, it didn't, I choked out.

You know, it didn't offend me. It was touching in a way. However, I started to worry. Am I a burden like that to everyone? Do my close friends and family worry about losing me before them?

Yes. They do.

I have a great A1c right now, I wear a Dexcom, I check so many times every day. I exercise, I eat right, I am careful.

Does that matter?

The recent deaths that have been consuming the diabetes community show that it doesn't.

Diabetes isn't selective.

We all go to sleep at night with the unknown.

My heart breaks for my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my friends. If I could wish it away, it would be gone. Forever.

7 comments:

madusanka said...

very informative blog.keep it up friend

Courtney Gaswint said...

I have been trying to say exactly what you wrote.

Burden. What a heavy word. It actually implies something forcing you downword. Pushing you toward the ground. To collapsing.

Of the things I have wanted to never be, a burden is at the top of my list.

I have been watching myself pull away from relationships, from family and friends, and most of all, from meeting new people. How can I ask someone to love me, and how can I love them, while worrying that one day I simply might not wake up and it will be my fault, if I do encourage these friendships, that they are filled with saddness. Diabetes, in a word, SUCKS>

Anonymous said...

That's... quite a coincidence. I just had an almost identical conversation with my own best friend in the whole world, and on a whim I googled 'Diabetes Sucks' which brought me here.

Not sure if I should feel sad or glad that I'm not the only one in this situation. My friend isn't in the best health either and we often joke about who will outlive the other, but it's not really that funny, since neither of us wants to be him.

شفافی said...

Dear lady I am diabetic. For 10 years. And I have done twice liver transplant. I was on injection for 180mg 3 times aday. Fortunately after operation I became level 2 and they gave me tablets. Now I am on tablets. 160mg a day. However I am not worried at all. I think it wasn't my fault to get this sickness. just be happy and injoy your life with all your children and evrybody around you all the best Mostafa London

MO said...

A friend of mine lost her 3 year old to a brain tumor a couple of years ago. You know the hardest part for me? The reminder that I would probably outlive my son too. It's the reality of having a loved one with diabetes. My son is 12 and has been dealing with diabetes for 4 years. This does not make him a burden to me, if anything, more special. None of us know the number of our days, but God does. Knowing He holds me and my son in the palm of His hand and that we will be together in Heaven forever makes whatever we deal with on this Earth doable.

Your family and friends just love you so much that they know life without you will have a void. You are loved, you are treasured.

who~the~hell~knows? said...

hey, don't worry...life's short...even though people that don't have diabetes, they die younger....and my granny had the type A1 diabetes when she was 16...she died three years back...when she was 89...happily....so look. chill...enjoy life, with your loved ones, of course!! because they'll love you despite your diabetes, or anything else for that matter..

and continue writing...you are good. :)

Saaraa said...

I'm glad you look at it this way.