Thursday, August 18, 2011
My posts have been melancholy lately. I apologize for that.
The great thing about blogging about life with diabetes is that you can express your feelings and emotions about this disease as you are feeling them. You can update the world with a real-time response of your life. This can be good, or bad. Most of the time it is cathartic to release – other times I look back and think, wow, I am incredibly cynical or, I don't even feel the same now.
A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my best friend in the entire world, Eric. I told him I was sad and that I couldn't snap out of it. His first reaction was, is it your health? Is something going on with your diabetes?
In all actuality, it had nothing to do with diabetes. At all.
And then he said it...
I am always worried you are going to die before me and I don't like that.
I think my heart stopped beating when he said that.
I hope that didn't offend you, he said.
No...actually, it didn't, I choked out.
You know, it didn't offend me. It was touching in a way. However, I started to worry. Am I a burden like that to everyone? Do my close friends and family worry about losing me before them?
Yes. They do.
I have a great A1c right now, I wear a Dexcom, I check so many times every day. I exercise, I eat right, I am careful.
Does that matter?
The recent deaths that have been consuming the diabetes community show that it doesn't.
Diabetes isn't selective.
We all go to sleep at night with the unknown.
My heart breaks for my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my friends. If I could wish it away, it would be gone. Forever.