Thursday, August 18, 2011

Melancholy


My posts have been melancholy lately. I apologize for that.

The great thing about blogging about life with diabetes is that you can express your feelings and emotions about this disease as you are feeling them. You can update the world with a real-time response of your life. This can be good, or bad. Most of the time it is cathartic to release – other times I look back and think, wow, I am incredibly cynical or, I don't even feel the same now.

A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my best friend in the entire world, Eric. I told him I was sad and that I couldn't snap out of it. His first reaction was, is it your health? Is something going on with your diabetes?

In all actuality, it had nothing to do with diabetes. At all.

And then he said it...

I am always worried you are going to die before me and I don't like that.

I think my heart stopped beating when he said that.

I hope that didn't offend you, he said.

No...actually, it didn't, I choked out.

You know, it didn't offend me. It was touching in a way. However, I started to worry. Am I a burden like that to everyone? Do my close friends and family worry about losing me before them?

Yes. They do.

I have a great A1c right now, I wear a Dexcom, I check so many times every day. I exercise, I eat right, I am careful.

Does that matter?

The recent deaths that have been consuming the diabetes community show that it doesn't.

Diabetes isn't selective.

We all go to sleep at night with the unknown.

My heart breaks for my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my friends. If I could wish it away, it would be gone. Forever.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Broken

I need an overhaul of my blog. While reviewing formats of other blogs, shamelessly begging for my domain name, and researching new ideas, I stumbled across Kerri's Post Secret Post. I forgot how much that particular post affected me. Scrolling through the many comments, I went to a dark place.

Truth be told, there are things going on in my life right now that have left me drowning in the negative.

It is consuming me.

In many ways, I am so responsible. Always. I forget to put me first. I follow the path, I do what is right. I take all of the steps in the right order. But, where does that leave me?

Broken.

I just can't put on the smile anymore.

How do you do it?

(I realize this went from a blog editing post, to something else, but I am going to leave it)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Exercise and Apple Juice



I need to get serious about exercise. I go through stages where I am so motivated and then drop off. This does not result in better blood sugars long-term or weight loss. The truth is I used to be athletic. "Used" to be athletic. Now, I am a far cry from "in shape" unless the shape we are referring to is...round.

Last night, armed with motivation and a blood sugar of 154 mg/dl, I went to the gym. Not only did I go to the gym, I went to spin. Many of you know spin is an awesome workout; it can be very intense and is a SUPER calorie burn. I felt good, I felt strong, and I felt like I could do this more often.

After class, I got home. 81 mg/dl. Awesome. (Yes, I am a self-talker) Still feeling great, I made veggie soup and continued to reel in a positive self-image of eating right and exercising.

Fast-forward six hours later. I am in a deep sleep, the kind where you don't even move. I wake up clumsily, something doesn't feel right.

I look at my clock, 1:41 am glowing in bright blue.

Close my eyes again.

2:04 am.

More self-talk. Nikki, move. Go check.

2:21 am.

Drenched in sweat, lips are tingly.

I finally realize. I am low. Really low.

So, I say it out loud to no one.

I am low.

Stumble to the kitchen.

38 mg/dl.

Shit.

Panic sets in. 38! What?

I am alone, I am low. Alone and low – great combination.

Two juice boxes and a granola bar later, I get back into bed. I don't even think about how this blood sugar has racked my body.

This morning, I wake up feeling awful and full.

111 mg/dl.

And so goes my day...such is life.