Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why?

Working at JDRF it is really easy for me to become overwhelmed with the sadness that can be type 1 diabetes. Now that there is a vast online community of people with diabetes we more often than not hear the horror stories. The elusive “it can happen” is no longer elusive. It happens…and it sucks. It isn’t fair. Kids die, teens die, adults who have been living for more than forty years with the disease, just don’t wake up. I am selfish. I want to believe that it is fixable. That if you do everything right, it won’t happen. But, it does. IT DOES. Yes, this is a pity party. Yes, this is me saying, I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.

I shouldn't have to talk to a man who kissed his wife goodbye every morning before he left to make sure she was fine and two days ago, she was not fine. She didn’t wake up. He will remember that forever. I will remember that forever. I cannot stop thinking about what he said. She didn’t wake up. My husband should not have to say that one day. NO ONE SHOULD. No one.

I am upset. I am upset about diabetes myths, I am upset with the unfairness and randomness of it all. I am upset that my job brings me joy and makes me miserable at the same time. I am just upset.

It isn’t elusive. We can’t exercise and not have to take the drug that kills us…don’t you think we would if we could? Stop judging. Stop saying that if we are high we don’t take care of ourselves. Stop saying that if we were to eat healthier we wouldn’t have to take insulin. Stop judging. We are doing the best we can…

Pity party over. It could always be worse. Except if I don’t wake up tomorrow.