Monday, November 08, 2010

Raw.

I have read all of the posts about The Onion article. Kelly's broke my heart. I felt every word she wrote.

I have not lost a child to diabetes. I cannot relate to the feelings these parents express. However, I know how I feel. I know that when I crawl in to bed at night and my blood sugar is around 100, I am scared.

What if I don't wake up?

My husband is traveling 80% of the time...I am extremely independent. My diabetes care has always been MY diabetes care. The lingering thought in my mind is...

It doesn't matter. Why not?

Because it doesn't.

Doing everything right does not guarantee I will wake up in the morning.

It doesn't guarantee I will not have highs that make my mind blank and my words slip and my college education appear to not exist as I am in a meeting that I must lead. My insulin pump cannot keep up with my nerves and my blood sugar will continue to climb. Just like it did when I took the GRE for graduate school and my blood sugar stayed above 400 the entire time. My mouth will be dry, my teeth will be fuzzy, and I will be tired. I WILL have that high and it will sneak up on me and I will deal with it.

It doesn't guarantee that I will not have a 3:00 am low that makes me terrified to sleep too heavily. A low that makes my brain shut down, my entire body sweat and my heart ache. It doesn't mean that I will not wander around the lawn of a university I am presenting at, not remembering where I am going or why I am there, until I sit down on a park bench and cry. It doesn't guarantee I won't still feel the hot tears of embarrassment from years ago as I cannot tell the flight attendant that I am too low to speak. That I am about to faint and cannot form the words that I have type 1 diabetes and I need sugar. I WILL have that low and I will deal with it.

Why?

Because I have to.

I cannot blame The Onion for my disease. I cannot blame them for satire. I read The Onion every day and I will probably continue to. But, I can't say I am not emotionally overwhelmed right now, as many of you are, because this is so raw to us.

As I sit at my desk and feel the tears fall on to my keyboard. I know that I will get up again tomorrow and do the same thing. I will deal with this disease.

Why?

Because I don't have any other options.

6 comments:

Leighann of D-Mom Blog said...

I know exactly how you feel. I quickly fired off my reaction yesterday morning (http://www.d-mom.com/something-stinks). It's not so much that I am angry at The Onion (though I still say it was not a good post), but that it is too raw, too close to home. I do have a child with diabetes and I do wonder for a split second each morning as I awake if she is okay. But like you said, we'll get up each morning and do it all over again because we have to.

Bennet said...

Thanks. Well said.

Sunny Day said...

So true. This, like many other chronic diseases, won't go away. We have to deal with it or face the consequences. We all have our good days and bad, I just hope our good out weigh our bad. I won't comment on ??????? because I don't want to publicize them. You know what I mean.

k2 said...

Well said & thanks so much for linking to my post.
I'm an Onion fat as well, which is another reason I got SO ticked off!!
kelly k

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samara said...

I can understand the challenges you face, i am myself suffering for autoimmune disorder from last ten years, at the age of 28 it feels i have lived and seen so much. Wish you the best.

Carpe Diem
Samara
http://lucid-conversations.blogspot.com/